i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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