just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
