I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
