Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
