Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
