She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
