WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
