I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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