I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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