The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
