On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
