please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
