Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
