i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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