so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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