You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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