you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
