I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
