I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
