I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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