He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
this is an emotional support booty call
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
