every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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