I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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