you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
third nipple confirmed
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
