when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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