First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need a beard to bite.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
