you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
