i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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