I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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