I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My balls are so social today.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
