Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
