Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
