Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
