my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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