Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
