I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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