I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
