Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I will die if light touches me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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