I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
