Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
