She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
