He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
