I haven't been this sober since birth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
