how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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