I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
