At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
