why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
