Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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