Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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