things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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